Carmel's 15 Minute Challenge

"If Only"

If only… Sometimes I think this is the saddest phrase in the English language. If only I’d listened to Darius. If only I’d believed in his dreams and stayed closer to him.

If only I had been able to get through to Richie… I guess the main problem there, was that I had no real clue how to deal with a seventeen year old who’d been living on his own so long. My father was strict with me. There was no way I could treat Richie that way. I did try… maybe that’s the second saddest phrase.

Things moved so fast. Darius was dead, then finding out about the Watchers, all of this hit without time to really take it all in. Then Tessa. If only I’d insisted she stay with me, but I knew she’d want to shower and change clothes. Perhaps, if Rich hadn’t been there… But he was. And then Tessa was dead and I had to set aside my grief and try to train a new Immortal to survive in my hellish world.

Early on, after he came to stay with us, Richie had little or no interest in working out. He picked up on some of it because he saw girls smiling at the guys who had good bodies. I took him running and worked with him on weights. I’d hoped to have several years to get him in condition, ready to learn the sword before he became immortal.

If only we’d had the time… He was already fascinated by the weapons.

In a way, thank God for Charlie. Maybe he was right about me pushing Richie too hard. I wish I’d been able to explain why. If only… Perhaps I could have kept Charlie out of Immortal business, but he wouldn’t accept what I felt I could tell him. We are so conditioned to keep the secret of Immortality. Even telling him about it might not have kept him out of it, though. He was a strong man. His training made him sure that he could handle himself, no matter what.

In the middle of the night these things come back to haunt me. Most of the time I can accept the past and let it be, but sometimes when the night winds are blowing and the fire light is fading, I seem to see all of them again, Deborah and my father… If only…

The winds are quiet now. The gently rocking of the barge is finally making me think that perhaps I can sleep. If only…