The Millennium Lyric Wheel
"On My Own"
As a Lyric Wheel Virgin, I was getting panic stricken and then the lovely lyrics from Les Miserables arrived from Jessi Melann. Many thanks, ma'am. Usual disclaimer, not mine no money changing hands, rated Slash for overtones...
I really thought I was doing the right thing. I meant to see that Joe was never again in danger because of me. I never wanted to see Amanda killed just because we were close enough for her to be used as a pawn.
I didn't ask Methos to follow me, to ride to the rescue one more time. He risked his life, facing gunfire and worse because of me... The thought scares me silly. He has this thing about me being too important to lose. I don't pretend to understand it and I just can't put him in that kind of a situation again.
I can't keep my friends safe. Other Immortals keep coming after me. There isn't any way in hell I can keep them from using people I care about if I maintain this identity. Too many people regard me as a prime target and not all of them have what Methos refers to as my misguided sense of honor. Duncan MacLeod has to die.
I've helped friends to change identities. I know I've held on to this one too long. Methos has pointed it out to me often enough. He doesn't understand why I've never changed my name. Duncan MacLeod is who I am. Who I needed to be, I guess.
Mary MacLeod said I was Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. "Let no man tell you different." she said. Forgive me, mother. I know I'll be the same person I've always been. Changing my name shouldn't really bother me. Names are just labels but I feel as though I'm cutting myself away from everything I've held on to over the centuries.
Methos would laugh himself silly. I wonder how many names he's had in the last 5,000 years. He teased me so much about it. God, I miss that. After all that's happened, the horsemen, Byron... Ahriman, he's stuck with me.
This last time... Did I know, somehow, deep in my heart, that he'd come after me?
Why does he do that? He says I'm too important to lose. Why? That look he gets... I've seen it so many times. Appraising, examining, I feel like a horse he's planning to buy. Kristin looked at me that way when we met. "I really think I can work with you." Is that what he's seeing, something to work with?
Methos makes me furious at times. He tries to manipulate me and that, been there, done that, attitude makes me crazy. His lies hurt me. In spite of that I do trust him. Somehow I know he cares about me.
Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping. I think of him and then I'm happy. Teasing him into helping Robert and Gina... painting his nose, we were like a couple of kids playing. I miss that.
Is because he's so much older and I don't have to be the older and wiser one? Maybe it's because he understands the loneliness on a gut level.
Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod... I hate the idea of changing my name, becoming someone else.
I wish I knew where Methos was. He'd look at me with that cock-eyed smirk and everything would suddenly be back in proportion and we'd sit there and pick out a name and he'd invent all kinds of crazy careers... No. I'm on my own. That shouldn't bother me either. It certainly isn't the first time. Tessa was the only person I've had a truly long term relationship with since I left home... since I was banished from my home.
My mother never stopped believing in me. Tessa believed in me, too. She was mad as hell that I'd been lying about the Game but she loved me anyway and knew that I loved her.
Methos believes in me, too. And in spite of all the games, I believe in him.
Odd, I can see him so clearly. That day he came to get me out of jail. He looked so thin that morning. I remember thinking I needed to make something substantial for dinner. Those jeans were loose on him.
Is he taking care of himself? Is there someone keeping him fed, playing chess with him...
I sound like an idiot. I'm not his mother or his lover...
Oh, Methos... Has my mind been ignoring what my heart has known all along? Is that why my thoughts seem to track back to you no matter where they start?
I don't think I have the guts to approach him. Amanda seduced me. I admit she didn't have to try too hard. I forget how old she really is because she acts like such a kid.
Well he, does too. That whole thing with the barge was just to get my goat. He got it, too. I was about ready to strangle him. Then, when Robert said Gina had gone to kill Methos for challenging him... I broke all previous speed records getting back to the damn barge, afraid I'd find him dead in the wreckage.
I've had other lovers. With Brian it was target of opportunity. We were friends and he was my teacher for a while and then a lover from time to time. We were more likely to share a friendly barmaid or hit the fanciest brothel he could find, though. Warren was a friend, too. I trusted him to guard my back as I guarded his. Soldiers have to do something with all that extra adrenaline.
Methos... In the rain the pavement shines like silver. All the lights are misty in the river. In the darkness the trees are full of starlight and all I see is him. The picture is suddenly very clear.
I could ask Joe where he is. For that matter, I could probably get into their damn database myself. Hacking skills are something I learned as soon as I realized how useful they would be. Should I try to find him? Am I imagining things?
What would happen if I did track him down... just to have him give me a hand with the change of identity?
Would he believe that?
On my own... All alone again. Seems like I always wind up that way. Methos probably regards me as a child. I should just keep quiet. At least this way I won't embarrass either of us.
Or... I could try...
On My Own from Les Miserables
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say hello to.And now the night is near, now I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.On my own
Pretending he's beside me.All alone I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I loose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us.I love him
But everyday I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness that I have
Never known.
I love him, I love him,
I love him, but only on my own.
Comments, virtual chocolate and good scotch are always welcome.