AND ALL THINGS AUTOMOTIVE
(Subject to frequent and substantial change without any prior notice whatsoever)
The origins of the Murray myth are shrouded in the mists of time, but legend has it that he was born somewhere in Southern California, in a small parking lot, before the advent of the mega-stores and multi-story parking structures. Initially there was not much for him to do, but as the area grew, as thousands streamed into Southern California seeking fame, fortune and good places to shop, his life's work became clear. From small parking lots beside individual stores, he was called upon to preside over larger and larger facilities, and as he exercised his strength, his powers grew mighty.
The original Supreme High Priestess (now emeritus, as she lives in Abilene, Texas, where Murray is called upon all too infrequently) went to a mall during a sale weekend. She had driven around the vast parking structure extensively with no luck. Finally, she called upon the God of Parking to assist her in her quest. As she approached the escalator, a spot opened up by the door and she steered her car nimbly into it. The lady behind her found a slightly less desirable spot and approached the SHP, expressing her admiration for the facility with which she was able to find a place. The SHP said, "It was easy I know Murray." The lady said she would certainly call on Murray the next time she needed a good place to park.
His name seemed almost to manifest itself, and other aspects of the God began to emerge, flooding into the minds and hearts of the Faithful. As his fame has grown, so has the legend. It was thought originally that a Circle to Murray might be cast by driving three times around a parking lot while chanting, singing his praises or simply repeating his name over and over again. In fact, much of this seems to happen almost naturally when one has found oneself already having circled the lot twice with no luck, uttering short, sharp, punchy words in a rhythmic fashion, perhaps even pounding on the steering wheel to keep the beat. The original chants have of necessity been sanitized, since children are so often present in vehicles found in this situation.
Other gods of parking have been revealed to anxious would-be parkers, including Asphalta or, in the extreme southwest, Asphaltia, as well as the god of parking in the San Francisco area, Squat. (If you ain't got a parking space in San Francisco, you ain't got squat.) He is not to be confused with the god of state lotteries, Diddly-Squat.
Murray was revealed to have a wife, Zelda, the goddess of shopping. Their daughter, Misty, is known as the Nymph of the Mall. They have a son, Skip, but his realm is not clear, having something vague to do with the food court. Zelda has a Siamese-twin sister, Imelda, the goddess of shoes and impulse buying, but Zelda is the senior goddess, having been born two years earlier. Zelda and Imelda are joined at the purse. These, however, are mysteries and we may have said too much already.
It is thought that the 1994 Northridge quake in Los Angeles might have been caused by Zelda and Murray who, having grown impatient with lazy disciples, could have been responsible for the destruction of several malls and parking structures. In the old days, it was necessary to park many times to complete a successful shopping expedition, visiting different shops for different items. With the advent of supermarkets, malls and large parking structures, the disciple now can park once and visit a large number of shops in one location, making it a lot simpler on the disciple but drastically reducing the number of times Murray's name needs to be invoked and praises sung. Zelda's adherents are also compelled less often to call upon their deity, as malls have made everything so easy.
But it's just a theory.
The First Feast of Murray is designated on November 1. At the First Annual First Feast of Murray, the faithful were invited to gather at the home of an individual who, by default, became the official High Priestess of Murray, as parking was notoriously hard to come by in that vicinity. Attendees were invited to bring items which might be considered sacred to Murray and appropriate food. This was deemed to be anything one might have to park near a store or restaurant to go inside to purchase. Drive-thru food was considered blasphemous, for obvious reasons. When one of the faithful said he was thinking of bringing a chocolate cake, made from scratch, the mythology was quickly re-examined and found to reveal that anything one would have to park to go inside a store to buy the ingredients for would also be acceptable. And chocolate is, of course, known to be the First Sacred Food, appropriate to all ritual occasions.
The ritual began in the traditional way, by Calling the Quarters. North was revealed to be the Place where the Engine Dwells, so by extrapolation, the driver's door would be in the west. Since this is where everything begins, it is where we began. (In some other parts of the world, obviously, we would need to begin in the east.) Murray was invoked with the sacred greeting, "Yo, Murray!" in his manifestation of a blue bottle of motor oil, with appropriate epithets improvised. In the north he was invoked in that manifestation with a piece of asphalt. East was called with a tire gauge and south with a road flare. An emergency road kit was pressed into service as the altar, a mechanic's overall as the altar cloth, a sipper bottle as the chalice, a pocket knife on a key chain as the athame and The Club as the wand. Diet Pepsi was agreed upon as the libation and Taco Bell tacos were broken into bite-sized pieces and passed as the sacred munchie.
At the conclusion of the Calling of the Quarters and drawing of the sacred rectangle, the High Priestess intoned, "The (parking) lot is cast, we are between the lines" and a hush fell upon the assembled multitude as the shrieks and giggles subsided.
The sacred orange traffic cone of power was raised and the elders shared their experiences with the many pre-Faithful in attendance. At the end of the ritual the Quarters were released and the feast fallen upon with cries of joy.
However, there had not been enough room for all of the pre-Faithful and, as the word spread, the necessity for a Second Feast of Murray became clear. In February the First Annual Second Feast of Murray was held in the same venue, now packed to the rafters. The sacred objects were again pressed into service and the God invoked. Within the Lot on that occasion people were invited to utilize the Sculpey provided in various colors, including sacred fluorescent orange, to fashion images of the God himself or of those objects which might be considered sacred. An interesting variety emerged, including a full head and shoulders sculpture of Murray rising from a small tire. The simplest, and as a result most popular, image to come from this session was a small replica of the orange Traffic Cone of Power. The images were baked in the oven, per instructions on the Sculpey wrapper, and each celebrant had an icon to carry away. There are orange Traffic Cones of Power now in use from Seattle to Los Angeles, from the West Coast to the Midwest. One enthusiastic participant made a bunch of cones, scripted a small explanatory pamphlet, and gave them to friends as Yule gifts that year.
As the Faithful carried their sacred cones with them in their cars for assistance in parking, so they began to notice that traffic somehow seemed lighter in their vicinity. When they called upon Murray, the lane ahead of them opened, as if by magic. Soon the Faithful were relying on their deity for help in all manner of travel-related areas and this practice continues to this day.
At Samhain in 1996 a full outdoor ritual to Murray was performed in an actual parking lot, using a Nissan 300ZX as the altar, complete with a mini cone, a medium cone and a very large cone — the Maiden, Mother and Cone. Jumper cables were employed as cords by the High Priestess and her assistant, previously impractical as the copper clamps kept catching on furniture. Chants and even hymns which had been revealed to the Faithful were performed and testimonies of the gracious God's benevolence were shared. During this ritual, additional chants and phrases in praise of Murray were revealed and chronicled for future events. The song sheet will soon become a song pamphlet, and who can doubt that a full songbook can be far behind? The pocket knife athame has been replaced by the more appropriate black-handled ignition key. These are now brought out at the end of each gathering during the closing ritual for the traditional Blessing of the Keys.
Special mention should also be made of the Northwest Concatenation of the Rectangle of Murray which has formed in the Portland area. Of particular interest is the recent completion of a magnificent temple to Murray, viewed by the pre-Faithful (or Unfaithful, if the truth be known) as a hub for the rapid-transit system. The Acolyte Primal of the group has led several pilgrimages to this excellent edifice and has provided photographs of the outstanding stonework, the welcoming landscaping and the Grand Staircase. Artifacts from that site have been recovered, catalogued and transmitted to the HPS for introduction and consecration at the UEA ritual in Oklahoma in September. It is suggested that you be there or be, er, square.
Prepared by
Barrie Woodruff, HPS/BD
September 1997 ce
